What Grieving During COVID-19 Taught Me About Holy Saturday
I know the story of this day, but in years passed, Holy Saturday has held little meaning to me personally. I know as a Catholic it should but I was never able to understand how this day affected me two thousand years later. Jesus had died on the cross and was laid in the tomb and now we wait. But my whole life, this time of waiting didn’t really seem like waiting because I knew the end of the resurrection story. I know what Easter brings. I figured that I never had to “wait” for something I knew was coming.
But this entire Lenten season is different. Holy Week feels distant, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable. But it dawned on me that this might be the closest I have ever felt to actually being there on Calvary watching. I was so hung up on the frustrations of being away from home, not being able to attend masses, and the sadness of missing out on a huge part of my volunteer year that I was not able to see deeper meaning that this all had in my life.
My boyfriend and I have been reflecting on a Lenten question every evening. Last night’s was, “Will you listen closely as the story of my suffering is proclaimed?” And up until recently, I thought I really knew the story. I would have even said “YES” to that question. And I guess that partially remains true, I know what happens but I didn’t fully understand what it meant for me, Emma. I could teach my Sunday school students about what happened on each day of the Triduum, but in my heart did I know what this was all about, or had I forgotten? Perhaps my brain had been controlling the retelling of this story, keeping it from my heart.
For myself, it is day 29 of quarantine and social distancing and we mourn. We mourn and grieve for normalcy. I’m missing hugs from my students. I miss coffee shop Wednesdays with Kristina. I miss a schedule. There are days where it is hard to find purpose, challenging to set goals, and difficult to acknowledge small joys. Not knowing what tomorrow brings is frightening for most people, and certainly is terrifying for myself.
But isn’t this just like the passion of Christ? We know that Jesus rises on Easter Sunday, but two thousand years ago the days after his crucification were unknown, heartbreaking and frightening for many. Now, for the first time, I am really unsure of what the following days, even months, look like. The “now what?” question is scary. This is us experiencing waiting like no other time in our lives. While waiting might last longer than the time between Jesus’ death and resurrection, we will eventually be able to fully rejoice!
My faith has been tested a lot during this pandemic, but it is in reflecting this Triduum, that I am thankful to be reminded that my understanding of my faith is continuously growing, from child-like eyes that were simply taught the story to adult eyes that have experienced the pain of waiting and grief. We are all living through our own moments of “death” and will all live through “resurrection moments” as well. We worship a God who brings life into dry bones.
So we wait with hope. We know and believe the resurrection of our Lord so we must know and believe that what is right now in 2020 is not permanent. Waiting has never been something that I am good at, but knowing that the same God that was with Jesus on the cross is with us during our season of waiting is all the comfort I need to face tomorrow.
unfolding 